About Bqggz

Hello, and welcome again to my personal website. I am an orc. You know... the bad guys from Tolkien's books, with fangs, green skin and barbaric eating manners.

My name is Bqggz. I really have no idea why people have trouble pronouncing that, or keep suing me for knotted tongues and ruptured larynxes. The correct pronunciation is bee-QYOOgts. Actually, the etymology of the name is quite interesting, as it includes Tolkien's Orcish word for cesspool, bagronk, the affectionate shortening to Baggy, and then being run over by a keyboard with French layout.

Anyway: I made this website all alone. Really. There is this other guy, Noel, but he did not contribute anything. At least, not anything constructive. He calls himself a Prophet - I call him a wild-haired, white-robed weirdo. Noel has this Tolkien obsession, which means, he can't talk about anything else, can't see the tiniest flaw in that man's books and regards them as some sort of holy scripture. Ridiculous! We were friends once, and for the sake of these old times, I allowed him to put up a few of his things here, including a stream of repetitive blathering he calls a "novel", but I urge you to not look at it. It's really bad.

[ Liar!!! --Noel ]

[ Shut up, petty-bourgeois scum. This is my page. --Bqggz ]

The real purpose of this Tolkien-themed website, of course, is exactly the opposite: to point out where this infamous author was wrong, and what harm he did, especially to us, the orcs. Tolkien hated us, and it shows in every text he wrote. Because of his ruthless slandering, all those self-proclaimed "Tolkien experts" and "fans" now think we are nasty, uncivilized and plain monstrous. I can't walk out of my house anymore without people staring at me and whispering behind my back. "Oh look! An orc! They are so evil! Quick, get the kids inside before he grabs them!" It's really annoying. Especially because it makes grabbing children more difficult than necessary. Excuse me for a minute while I noisily and messily eat one of them. Mhrmpfhrmpf­gnargmrampf­slobbergnaw! Okay, where was I?

Oh yes. The nature of orcs. In Tolkien's works, the orcs are a mixture of two influences. Besides features borrowed from mythological goblins, primarily they are his horror vision of "modern" industrial workers, collectivized and brutalized by the evil dictator Sauron, in opposition to the utopian pastoral individualism of his hobbits and elves. One can see this the other way round, of course. While his "good guys" were idly sitting around, smoking pipeweed or dancing naked in the woods, the orcs laboured hard to bring progress and industrialization to Middle-earth. Of course their productivity was misused by Sauron, but you can hardly blame them for that.

But if the orcs were Middle-earth's working class - or shall I say, worcing class? - then the solution for them must be the same as for any oppressed proletariat everywhere. I have therefore worked hard to adapt the ideas of socialism and communism to Orcish society, an effort that finally resulted in the foundation of the Bolshevork Party. It is my firm believe that only if we overthrow the divisive and bloodthirsty capitalist system, men and orc will be able to peacefully coexist and become the friends they were meant to be.

Until then, of course, we have to play by the rules capitalism enforces upon us, and even members of the Bolshevork Party need to buy lunch occasionally, at least when there are no children around. So please do not hesitate to buy the quality products of our sponsor, Smeagolurtz' Raw Fishes And Frogses, or, if you're over 18, to subscribe to our unique Orcporn site that celebrates the beauty of the orcish female. All profits go to the Party and therefore our Great Cause.

By the way, I know I am inconsistent with my "orc" versus "ork" spelling. I do it on purpose to annoy Noel.

Fredonia, FATS & Co.

Some time ago, I was fortunate enough to discover a parallel universe where a large variety of people, creatures and things have founded the Kingdom of Fredonia. Lots of orcs are among them, most of whom have settled in a strip of land called County Hell. I was delighted to discover that in this county - which, though nominally a part of the kingdom, rules itself quite autonomously - the revolution had already occurred. Its orcish inhabitants now live in a socialist society under the benevolent rule of Bluh, a sentient handkerchief. We became friends and ultimately merged the Bolshevork Parties that for some reason of cosmic balance existed in both universes. These days, I spend lots of time over there and, among other things, look after County Hell's website. Check it out, it's quite nice.